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08 May 2007 @ 09:24 pm
On the run  
Sort of an autobiography, written in essay form for a school project in the Creative Writing course I'm taking.
Comments and critiques would be much appreciated.

All my life, or at least as far as I can remember I’ve been shy. I remember when I was a kid people used to call me I was such a sweet little gal always had a smile on my face. Even though I was shy and careful you couldn’t really tell I was according to my behaviour. I was always running around playing, smiling and laughing. I was almost never crying and you could hardly see any tears in my face. Just dirt, and I didn’t bother. I was just as happy as always.

So it was all days long until it was time for me to start going in school. Since this time my shyness came to appear my personality more and more during the years. The first three years, though, were pretty much the same as earlier in my life. I was the same joyful kid now as I was when I was younger.
But then some day in fifth or sixth grade or so all suddenly was taken a new dramatic turn. Somehow I became more and more introverted and I wasn’t any longer as happy as I once was. As the time passed by I become more and more alone. Instead of asking my friends at school to hang out with them during lunch breaks and such I’d rather be alone. I also never invited anyone of them home to where I lived after school. All days strictly after school’s end I took my bike and was biking home as soon as I could.
   When I came home I hardly never told anyone in my family about how my day had been. I was very secretive. I created another world which only I knew and where I felt comfortable. Well, at least as comfortable I could be.
Because, ironically enough though, how much I myself drew me away from people I still felt very much alone. As the time passed by and I became a teenager and was in junior high I became more aware of how much I missed doing all that stuff normal teenagers do. For example meeting friends after school, go out having fun, getting the first drunkeness, have your first kiss and someday also lose your virginity.
Instead of all this I was only sitting at home every bloody weekend listening to my favorite music and make my own dance moves to it, watching television and think about all the lucky people lives there. I spent most my days in my own fantasy world dreaming about another time and another place where everything was so much better than this. Where noone has to feel lonely or being an outcast.
All junior high I was also aware of a constantly growing harrassment from the other ones in school. Not physically but mentally which, in my case, was even worse because it pretty much shaped me to be the person I am today.
So it was until the end of eight grade where there was another sudden quite dramatic turn. By this time my class was pretty much splitted into two camps. One where all the cool people did belong and the other one where I was. Soon, though, two girls in the cool group were quarreling and became enemies. All the other pupils in the class as a whole started supporting the bitchy girl who was also my worst ever enemy. The other girl, who’d been one of the gang before was now suddenly excluded of the cool group.
This girl, who’s been a friend of mine when I was younger, and me started to hang out again and during the last year we got connected even more. All that year we hung out, but I still felt quite lonely. Even though I have found a friend we still didn’t go out having fun together. She did become my best friend, though, and we'd be friends ever since.

When it was time for us to go to high school me and my friend split up. We were going to seperate schools, but we still were seeing each other in the weekends and such. What is really depressing though is that it turns out that I showed up at the same school as pretty much all the other students from my old school. By this time I was quite damaged of lacking of the social interactions which means I had pretty much no social skills at all. As a result of this I got a very hard time making friends in high school. My shyness which I have had my whole life was now at its top and I was too afraid to make a conversation with my collegues. This led to another three years spent in almost entire loneliness.

In my second year of high school my interest and taste in music was improving. I became more interested in music and in the end this interest become some kind of a comfort for me. Instead of thinking about how miserable and worthless I was I got my support by listening to music. It was also during this short period I had my search of finding my identity. I tried a lot of things to get to know how I was and trying to become more confident about myself. I had periods where I was a punkrocker, even though I didn’t listen to punk rock by then, played role playing games and read fantasy books etc. None of this alter egos, though, made me feel more comfortable about myself and I didn’t get any new friends, either.
Except three, which two of them I got on behalf of my other, and long time only, friend. We hung out sometimes, went out trying to have fun in discos etc. All the time, though, I felt I couldn’t really rely to them. I couldn’t really show them who I really am. I was having a hard time trusting people including my friends and I aslo couldn’t show people my emotions and open up myself to new people. As a matter of fact, I still didn’t have the social skills I wish I had.

When I then finally graduated from high school I thought it was time for me to change my life and become even more independent than before. Because of my loneliness I’ve been independent for such a long time. But now it was time to move away from home and going with university studies. I moved away to a completely different town where I knew noone. I stayed there for a year. It turns out my staying there, was pretty much a disaster. My optimistic thoughts I had when I left home was turning into the thoughts of a complete failure. I was lonlier than ever before with no friends. And the friends I had was far away from me so I didn’t met them that often. In the end I got tired of being so alone so I moved back home again a summer later. That summer I also got my first real job, and I got more and more aware of what my problem was. I couldn’t stand being so completely, utterly self-conscious, shy and asocial anymore. So by the time fall begin and I started studying again I was looking for help.
I came to the conclusion that with help from a psychiatrist and with my own strength of fighting and struggling to overcome my social fear and my shyness I will turn out to a new completely different person. I became more determinated than ever before that nothing and noone from now on will stop me from being someone I don’t want to.

Since I came up with this conclusion there has been a lot of progress. I have finally found my personality and who I am and I’m not so afraid anymore. Though there’s still a long way to go and I still feel very self-conscious sometimes I’m definitely on the run in the right direction to find my true destination.