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08 May 2007 @ 09:24 pm
Sort of an autobiography, written in essay form for a school project in the Creative Writing course I'm taking.
Comments and critiques would be much appreciated.
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All my life, or at least as far as I can remember I’ve been shy. I remember when I was a kid people used to call me I was such a sweet little gal always had a smile on my face. Even though I was shy and careful you couldn’t really tell I was according to my behaviour. I was always running around playing, smiling and laughing. I was almost never crying and you could hardly see any tears in my face. Just dirt, and I didn’t bother. I was just as happy as always.

So it was all days long until it was time for me to start going in school. Since this time my shyness came to appear my personality more and more during the years. The first three years, though, were pretty much the same as earlier in my life. I was the same joyful kid now as I was when I was younger.
But then some day in fifth or sixth grade or so all suddenly was taken a new dramatic turn. Somehow I became more and more introverted and I wasn’t any longer as happy as I once was. As the time passed by I become more and more alone. Instead of asking my friends at school to hang out with them during lunch breaks and such I’d rather be alone. I also never invited anyone of them home to where I lived after school. All days strictly after school’s end I took my bike and was biking home as soon as I could.
   When I came home I hardly never told anyone in my family about how my day had been. I was very secretive. I created another world which only I knew and where I felt comfortable. Well, at least as comfortable I could be.
Because, ironically enough though, how much I myself drew me away from people I still felt very much alone. As the time passed by and I became a teenager and was in junior high I became more aware of how much I missed doing all that stuff normal teenagers do. For example meeting friends after school, go out having fun, getting the first drunkeness, have your first kiss and someday also lose your virginity.
Instead of all this I was only sitting at home every bloody weekend listening to my favorite music and make my own dance moves to it, watching television and think about all the lucky people lives there. I spent most my days in my own fantasy world dreaming about another time and another place where everything was so much better than this. Where noone has to feel lonely or being an outcast.
All junior high I was also aware of a constantly growing harrassment from the other ones in school. Not physically but mentally which, in my case, was even worse because it pretty much shaped me to be the person I am today.
So it was until the end of eight grade where there was another sudden quite dramatic turn. By this time my class was pretty much splitted into two camps. One where all the cool people did belong and the other one where I was. Soon, though, two girls in the cool group were quarreling and became enemies. All the other pupils in the class as a whole started supporting the bitchy girl who was also my worst ever enemy. The other girl, who’d been one of the gang before was now suddenly excluded of the cool group.
This girl, who’s been a friend of mine when I was younger, and me started to hang out again and during the last year we got connected even more. All that year we hung out, but I still felt quite lonely. Even though I have found a friend we still didn’t go out having fun together. She did become my best friend, though, and we'd be friends ever since.

When it was time for us to go to high school me and my friend split up. We were going to seperate schools, but we still were seeing each other in the weekends and such. What is really depressing though is that it turns out that I showed up at the same school as pretty much all the other students from my old school. By this time I was quite damaged of lacking of the social interactions which means I had pretty much no social skills at all. As a result of this I got a very hard time making friends in high school. My shyness which I have had my whole life was now at its top and I was too afraid to make a conversation with my collegues. This led to another three years spent in almost entire loneliness.

In my second year of high school my interest and taste in music was improving. I became more interested in music and in the end this interest become some kind of a comfort for me. Instead of thinking about how miserable and worthless I was I got my support by listening to music. It was also during this short period I had my search of finding my identity. I tried a lot of things to get to know how I was and trying to become more confident about myself. I had periods where I was a punkrocker, even though I didn’t listen to punk rock by then, played role playing games and read fantasy books etc. None of this alter egos, though, made me feel more comfortable about myself and I didn’t get any new friends, either.
Except three, which two of them I got on behalf of my other, and long time only, friend. We hung out sometimes, went out trying to have fun in discos etc. All the time, though, I felt I couldn’t really rely to them. I couldn’t really show them who I really am. I was having a hard time trusting people including my friends and I aslo couldn’t show people my emotions and open up myself to new people. As a matter of fact, I still didn’t have the social skills I wish I had.

When I then finally graduated from high school I thought it was time for me to change my life and become even more independent than before. Because of my loneliness I’ve been independent for such a long time. But now it was time to move away from home and going with university studies. I moved away to a completely different town where I knew noone. I stayed there for a year. It turns out my staying there, was pretty much a disaster. My optimistic thoughts I had when I left home was turning into the thoughts of a complete failure. I was lonlier than ever before with no friends. And the friends I had was far away from me so I didn’t met them that often. In the end I got tired of being so alone so I moved back home again a summer later. That summer I also got my first real job, and I got more and more aware of what my problem was. I couldn’t stand being so completely, utterly self-conscious, shy and asocial anymore. So by the time fall begin and I started studying again I was looking for help.
I came to the conclusion that with help from a psychiatrist and with my own strength of fighting and struggling to overcome my social fear and my shyness I will turn out to a new completely different person. I became more determinated than ever before that nothing and noone from now on will stop me from being someone I don’t want to.

Since I came up with this conclusion there has been a lot of progress. I have finally found my personality and who I am and I’m not so afraid anymore. Though there’s still a long way to go and I still feel very self-conscious sometimes I’m definitely on the run in the right direction to find my true destination.
 
 
08 May 2007 @ 09:31 pm
Yet another school project about loneliness and feeling that you don't belong anywhere.
Comments and critiques are very welcomed.
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School is a bad place. A place of evil. Carissa knows that. She have never liked it, ans she thinks she never will. Maybe it’s because of the social problems she use to have there. Everyday when it’s time to go to school Carissa is always feeling something that hurts inside of her. She can feel it in her stomach. She then reminds of all the staring, whispering and talking about her among her school friends. She sees it everyday she passes the corridors. She is too afraid to say anything to any of them, she can’t talk to them in the way she wants to. It is just really hard to her doing that, she feels so self-concious and insecure. Everyday she’s telling herself it’s not worth the try to talk to them, they don’t want to talk her anyway. They full on busy with their friends. Today is no exception. There she goes quiet all by herself to her class sit down alone in the front of the room so she can hear what the tutor’s saying. She always try sit in front of the room so she don’t have to see everybody else talking about her. It’s enough that she know they do. As usual during class Carissa doesn’t say much and isn’t raising her hand even when she has something to say. She don’t want to risk anything if her class mates thinks she’s wrong. The class is ending after two hours and Carissa take her things to go have her lunch. She’s preparing herself for another meal all by herself alone at an empty table. But today a boy named Steven from her science class go sit having lunch with her. When she realize he’s only not sitting there because of lack of company but because he wants to sit with her. Carissa’s making a private smile and suddenly she’s feeling more confident than ever before. She doesn’t feels lonely anymore.
 
 
08 May 2007 @ 09:33 pm
A poem sort of thing about social anxiety, I believe.
Comments and critiques are more than welcome!
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Sitting alone on a barstool in a bar and drinking whiskey After hours of wondering and watching people come and go You finally came to the conclusion you always knew But was afraid to realize and tell yourself You’re sure you are one of the most lonely people on earth You are destined to be a loner and you was just a fool who believed In that maybe someone would care about someone like you
 
 
08 May 2007 @ 09:35 pm
A short novel about the feeling of not being enough.
Don't hesitate in levaing your opinions in a comment.
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There was this girl who in many ways was very special. Deep inside she knew she was, but she can’t let it out. She know there’s nothing wrong with her and that somwhere in the world there are those people who loves her and to whow she means a lot to. She know she’s very well favoured and that a lot of people in other places in the world would kill to live her life. Yet she ain’t happy. And she feels very bad about this. She just can’t love herself and she can’t either see all the good things about her that everyone else sees. She sees herself as a dreamer and a hypocrite instead. Not a day goes by without her daydreams about how she want to be. About what she want to do but that she’s to afraid of doing. She want to know who the real “me” is and most of all, she just wants to get rid of that anxiety and nervousness she feels every single day in conncetion with other people. I know I have the most amazing friends a girl like me can have. But then why do I feel so unsure of my own ability to change my life, and why on earth do I feel so alone?